Книга с истории

While I was lying in the forest under the huge old pine tree during the solo night, fighting my demons (in the image of a big brown bear, who is nearby and ready to attack me) – I had nothing else to do but face them. What an opportunity!

Who was I when entering the evening forest?

A woman who was confident, funny, joyful, full of energy – at first sight. With this phenomenon I could unconsciously „cheat“ a lot of people – sometimes myself too. It‘s better to say it was not a cheat, but a real part of me. But it was also true, that under the surface of confidence lived a small girl who was facing insecurity, self-doubts and a sense of worthlessness, in case she didn’t recieve constant confirmation that she is good enough and worthy to be loved.

So, the darkness arrived and I was just listening to the secret noises of the forest: the cows’ singing, the steps of small animals and twittering birds. Once – suddenly – while shivering in my sleeping bag, an image of a very, very colorful bird appeared in my mind in a very lively form. She had an impressive and exciting appearance but I also felt that its look is simply too much!

Like me: sometimes I have too many emotions, interests, hobbies, ideas, initiations. I am open to too various points of view of the world… Or better to say it like this: I had this perception about myself that I am too much for other people. As a result, I had put quite a good amount of emotions in making myself „bearable“ for others: I asked for permission in important situations, I was questioning myself before and after making decisions and I was often in fear that I would be left, since I was not okay enough. So I wanted to get rid of my useless coulours and I just wanted to be „normal“.

It has been a long road and preparation, which have led me to the Pirin mountains in September 2019.

But it happened exactly now, that during this time I had the space in my life, heart and mind to adopt my bird, embrace it and accept it as mine. It became clear, that what this colourful creature represents is the total opposite of those which make me unable „to bear with bears“ from time to time.

It is time to accept my superpower, which I have already received from Life at my birth, but I have just become ready to acknowledge it as mine. This colourful bird has given me the consciousness of who I am: I am a complete and shining without any confirmation or validation of another human being. I have the power, belief and energy to live a joyful life in any conditions – with or without my partner bird who I am still happy to welcome in my life.

Eszter