Art of communication with Nikola Dimov

He is a training program designer and facilitator in the process of non-violent communication. A mathematician who has cheated on exact science with psychology. He has been a volunteer, entrepreneur, traveler, and we have had the pleasure of having him participate in training experiences, organized by VIA CIVIC.

A talk with Nikola Dimov about non-violent communication, empathy that connects us all and the feeling of being part of people’s personal change.

Passionate about experiential learning and self-exploration – professionally. And, also on a personal level. I feel that what I love to do is mostly driven by curiosity and an openness to exploration and experimentation.

Often, I and other colleagues with whom we share similar work values use facilitator and trainer interchangeably. Trainer carries the connotation of “lecturer”, “teacher”, “presenter”, “motivational speaker”, etc., which are often didactic or centered on the presenter. To me, the word “facilitator” states that it is a trainer (coach) who places the participant/group at the center and implies that they are responsible for their learning. In practice, this would mean that the source of knowledge, experience, inspiration, new insight, etc. would primarily be the group and its participants and interactions, rather than the image of the facilitator and their position as someone with more of a given quality than another. In addition, it will mean that I will not teach you something, I will not evaluate you or stalk whether or not you have done a task, but I will point out, ask or suggest a number of situations or experiences through which you can get closer to yourself and what you are looking for/want.

In relation to the desired outcome, the methodology has different faces – from a warm up exercise, to theatre with images or hand puppets, art activities, simulation, role play, time in nature, to an invitation to go outside the training room and try something you haven’t done before.

What, perhaps, unifies the methods I use or create are the following principles:

• the participant/group is the center and co-author;
• freedom of choice – whether to participate, how much to participate, what to share is a personal decision and right;
• awareness and sensitivity to the group and participant process and adaptation to expressed or unexpressed needs;
• patience and knowledge of natural learning resistances and dynamics and “getting in communication” with them;
• striving for deep exploration of a topic, applicability and sustainable results over easy steps, quick motivation and super inspiration;
• Warm-up, reflection and application of learning and feedback;
• Inviting authenticity, spontaneity and vulnerability.

Often non-violent communication (NVC) is presented as a 4-step model of communication or empathy. On the surface, this may be a true statement. However, NVC is first and foremost a consciousness – a set of principles and attitudes that support us to live authentically, courageously and empathically in collaboration with others. It is also a compass with which to navigate how the language and words we use contribute to connection or distance between us and helps us develop communication skills – to hear and speak to myself and another while connected to what is alive in each moment, even in disagreement. The NVC also looks primarily at the theme of power in different structures and forms – how to share power with someone, to influence and empower rather than use power over them.

The first thing that comes to my mind is the baby. Its communication is entirely needs-based – it communicates them one way or another (unconsciously at this stage, and with a certain arsenal of options), then the parent empathically reflects what they have understood and checks if it is right, responding to that need they have sensed.

In time, the baby becomes a child and gradually begins to understand itself and its needs, and begins to use words. From the ‘basics’ – food, play, sleep, cuddles, hygiene, our needs and words for them grow – challenge, adventure, learning, acceptance, approval, love, harmony, peace, freedom, celebration and so on. This is one of my directions when I hear “natural”.

In the course of development, in addition to gaining words for our needs and emotions, we will also develop that skill of empathy, whereby we can guess and put ourselves in the place of the other and their experience accordingly – thoughts, feelings, needs.

Marshall (the founder of the NVC) also talks about “the natural” and he says at the beginning of his workshop, “I’m not going to teach you anything new today. Everything I’m going to say – you already know it and it’s been known for millennia.”

In the NVC we say that fundamentally we humans all share universal human needs that we try to satisfy with every word, action and behavior. With the NVC, we are able to connect with the need behind them without agreeing with or endorsing the word or behavior (when they do not serve the satisfying connection between us), but also without seeking “punishment” (in whatever creative form that may take).

Possible factors that cut us off from this natural kind of communication we are talking about are: failure to develop any of the skills mentioned in our natural development, or conversely, we have been purposely trained to develop the opposite of the skills mentioned and “unlearn” them.

When we think about it, some of us will think of messages we have received from significant adults at home and at school related to:

• competitive culture;
• a culture and relationship based on grades (where I as a person am equal to the grade I got for the term);
• when I’ve perceived that it’s okay to say ‘it’s not okay to be emotional if you’re a man’;
• if you make a mistake, you deserve punishment;
• when in conflict we look for who is at fault;
• when I put a label or moral judgement on almost everything around me.

Culture and media are another topic – how many movie characters do you know who win by a different method than beating or killing their opponent?

These are perhaps some of the factors that we can briefly refer to as “violent”. I would think that they directly influence the development of this natural flow of communication and connection with the other and with self. Forced communication to the self we can call the communication of judgment, non-acceptance, negative self-talk, irrational beliefs we have directed at ourselves, etc. We interact with all of these aspects of ourselves through empathy for ourselves, and NVC practices and processes support a lot of exactly how I talk to myself.

Above all, I see this as an inspiring question to keep on our radar with an open mind and patience. The answer is not clear cut when it comes to NVC, either.

For some the daily practice of keeping a journal and describing situations is most supportive;

For others, actively experiencing the NVC mind in a group;

For others – theoretical persuasion, research;

And a fourth group, say, through the experience of challenging what NVC is, etc.

We know and accept that all change comes with resistance. This is perhaps the first challenge of a novice NVC practitioner – how to meet the resistances I feel in my NVC practice with empathy.

“What is alive in me here and now?” is an NVC question worth asking every time we think of it 🙂